The following is a journal entry I wrote about a year ago on another site and it’s just as relevant in my life now as it was then:
“Down on the shelf by the mirror where you see yourself whole. And it makes you shiver” – mewithoutYou
It’s unfortunate that I lack companionship. It’s not that it’s not there… it’s lacking because I won’t give it. I’m reminded of a story where a young man is in his basement hanging out with his friends. His friends want to go see a movie. Someone else enters the room. It’s Christ, in the flesh. Christ explains to the young man that instead of seeing a movie, he should hang out with him and talk. The young man is torn between seeing a film with his friends or talking with Christ. Again, Christ tells the man to stay. The man grows aggravated with Christ’s constant questioning of having him stay and talk instead of being with his friends.I saw some people act this out somewhere once. Here’s what happened next. The young man told Christ that he could do whatever he wanted. He proceeded to grab Christ and he nailed his hands and feet to the wall. He turned to the audience and said, “What are you looking at? You do it all the time!” And he left with his friends to go see a movie. I think about half of the audience lost it. My heart sank. It wasn’t out of sympathy… but it sank because I saw myself whole there, in the mirror. I saw who I was. I saw what I do everyday when I decide not to follow Christ. When I decide to ignore his pleading.
Wow. I don’t really think it is a bad thing that I feel as convicted as I do now as I did then, and none the less, about the same thing.
To make myself feel better, I’d love to say something along the lines like, “There’s always room to grow, there’s always room for Jesus!” I do believe there is room to grow as a Christian but when you say things like that, I think it’s a cop out. My life sucks right now and I think it’s because my relationship with Jesus sucks! But there’s always more room to grow, there’s always room for Jesus! My relationship with Christ is dull and boring… I thought I reached the mountain top. But there’s always more room to grow, there’s always room for Jesus!
Honestly, when it comes down to it, when I tell myself something like that, all I’m really trying to do is escape conviction. There’s never more room for Jesus. Our hearts aren’t expanding and our lives aren’t expanding. You have one tiny little will, one tiny little spirit, and one tiny little heart. And inside of all that is one tiny little hole. And in that hole you can’t place both sin and Christ, or both Christ and your new awesome vehicle, or both Christ and some sweet gaming system, or both Christ and your addiction to whatever! Christ and only Christ fits in this hole. There is not “more” room for Jesus. There is “only” room for Jesus.
When we sin we are like trees being cut down. We are torn from our roots, from our foundation, and left to rot on the ground. But there is hope for a cut down tree and this hope is only in Christ. Christ is the only thing in this world that can satisfy our conviction. Christ is the only thing in this world where our roots will grow and they will bind to a firm and strong soil. And whether I allow Christ to be a foundation in my life or not, one thing I come to learn more and more every day is that: Christ is the only thing in this world that can work as a proper foundation for our lives.
